Jason Voorhees has taken Manhattan, been to space, and of course massacred nearly everyone brave enough to show his or her face at Camp Crystal Lake. While those are all fine accomplishments, we think there are still plenty of missed opportunities for Jason. In fact, there is an entire film catalogue of experiences waiting for him, if only someone would give him the chance. He has been patiently laying dormant for quite a while, and we think it’s time Mr. Voorhees takes a stab (pun intended) at a new set of circumstances.
For your reading pleasure, we dreamed up a few situations, places, and scenarios we would like to see Jason ‘take.’ So, read on for some ridiculous fun, infused with a hearty amount of satire, irony, and wishful thinking.
Location: Poughkeepsie, New York
How it Goes Down: Like in Manhattan, perhaps Jason would catch a boat in to the city and wreak havoc upon his arrival. We can see him picking up a jackhammer that was abandoned by city workers and doing in a couple of victims with that, before moving back to his machete. Our thoughts are, if Jason can take Manhattan, why can’t he take someplace a little less ambitious? Poughkeepsie would be perfect. It’s also near Jason’s home state of New Jersey, and it doesn’t really get much play. With the exception of a few mentions in The French Connection and The Poughkeepsie Tapes, it’s almost as if the town is invisible. Jason could draw some much-needed attention to the region and bring in some new blood (pun intended). If his urges were properly channeled, Jason could potentially do a world of wonder for the New York tourism industry. Can’t you just imagine the mayor of Poughkeepsie giving Jason Voorhees the key to the city?
Outcome: After racking up a sizable body count, Jason, armed with the key to the city, lives to fight another day.
Location: Six Flags Magic Mountain
How it Goes Down: Obviously, Jason would be in Southern California for vacation. During his visit, he stops by Six Flags for a day of thrills, but he is upset by the long lines and starts cutting his way to the front – with a machete. When he tires of using his signature weapon, he would naturally begin pinning people’s heads to the roller coaster tracks and letting the coaster cars do the work for him – similar to one of the deaths in The New Kids. In addition to being known as an even-tempered and fun guy, Jason is universally recognized for his prowess in dealing with the youth of America, so wouldn’t it be absolutely perfect for him to take on a major theme park? Of course it would. Think of what he would do for the long lines one must wait in before riding popular attractions. Jason would also deal with misconduct in the park. We’re not sure how he would react to Hurricane Harbor, the adjoining water park – the guy is not really known to have a fondness for water. But maybe he would warm to the idea with time… and therapy.
Outcome: After realizing total domination of rowdy tourists, Jason is hired by the park for ongoing crowd control.
Location: A Dry Cleaning Business in Miami Beach
How it Goes Down: Jason goes into semi-retirement and moves to Florida, as many people do. To pass the time, he takes on a part-time job at a dry cleaning business. Unfortunately for the establishment, the clientele, the neighborhood, and anyone else involved, Jason snaps when he spies a teenage couple having premarital sex in the restroom. He goes on a rampage, killing the young couple, the staff, all of the other patrons on the premises, and anyone else unlucky enough to get in his way. Maybe the film’s tagline would be "Jason Takes Miami… To the Cleaners."
Outcome: Jason is let go from his job after killing the staff. Since he lives off the grid, police are not able to locate him in any of their databases. Then he kills them and goes back to retirement.
Location: Your Dentist's Office
How it Goes Down: Jason shows up for a checkup and is told by his dentist that he needs to floss more regularly. For Jason, that is the final straw. As a result, he snaps and decapitates his dentist. He then massacres the entire staff with a dental drill and works his way to the waiting room. On his way there, he picks up a scalpel and slices through every patiently waiting client in the lobby. I hate going to the dentist as it is, so if I showed up for an appointment and Jason was there performing surgery, that would be enough to scare me away from the dentist’s office for life.
Outcome: Jason is inspired to go back to school and pursue a degree in dentistry.
Location: A Charity Ball
How it Goes Down: After being asked to serve as a spokesperson for an anti-violence benefit, Jason graciously accepts. He would certainly start out with the best of intentions, but as we know, idle hands are the devil’s workshop, and seeing as there wouldn’t be a whole lot for Jason to do at a charity ball, he would eventually grow bored and resort to his old tricks. That would undoubtedly include bloodshed, charitable carnage, and a ridiculously fun viewing experience. In a fit of rage, he would empty the punch bowl and use that as a tool of destruction by dumping it over someone’s head for trying to restrain him. Then he would impale someone with the leg of a chair and strangle some onlookers with a microphone cord.
Outcome: Jason is banned by the charity after killing some of the wealthiest philanthropists associated with the foundation.
Location: A Blood Drive in Scranton, Pennsylvania
How it Goes Down: It would start innocently enough: Jason would be asked to help out with a blood drive as a celebrity spokesperson. He would find himself overwhelmed by seeing bloodletting that he was not personally responsible for. Not wanting to be outdone, he would begin amputating limbs and showing Scranton who’s really boss. Really, though, who can blame the guy? Asking Jason Voorhees to sponsor a blood drive is like asking a recovering alcoholic to bartend for the night. It's an unfair temptation, and probably not even nice to ask. Jason would use the needles used for drawing blood to shove through his victim’s eyes, ears, and any other accessible orifice. Like Poughkeepsie, Scranton doesn’t get a lot of national recognition. But, that will all change when Jason stages a massacre there.
Outcome: Jason destroys every single donor on the premises. The drive brings in a record amount of blood, but it is unfortunately by way of mass murder.
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